everybody wants happiness

nobody wants pain

but you can’t have a rainbow

without a little rain.

fast forward to 2 years. are you still there? still there? pathetic. 5 years now. everything’sgetting better? good for you! that was not sarcasm. i assure you. now to 7 years. happy?yes? brilliant. i see you smiling now. it’s been 10 years. hey. tears?! tears of joy! you‘re very happy now. drive your own car, work in an amazing place, travel a lot, finally met someone special. happy. very happy.

but no, i won’t even make it to next year. 

they say, “the happiest people are the saddest.” i‘m not happy. i‘m just really really sad, but if you met me in real life or saw me with friends, i‘d be the one cracking jokes, shouting, or doing weird things. anything to see a smile on their face. anything.  i always questioned myself why i did so, why i chose to make a fool of myself when something inside me is killing me, each forced laugh was just another stab. another emotional stab that felt so real. another stab that brought me down to the ground. another stab. more stabs. one more stab. two more. three is not enough. make it four. no, make it a hundred. 

i just wonder: does someone know? does that person keep tabs on my life? hey! are you reading this? is it fun? is it fun to watch me fall apart day after day? do you like seeing me cry at the end of the day? do you like seeing me bleed? 

i do. i sure do.

i want to kill myself.
now.

if the drugs don't work, then you probably need more

life is just horrible and last week was eventful in some way. i tried to kill myself.

yes, i can say that casually.

i tried to kill myself.

because everything is just so hard, and i can't take it anymore.

or maybe i'm just bored.

and i think i've found 2 real friends offline. that's good news. i guess.

i just wonder how things will be when my body is bleeding to death.
then i'll die.

maybe i should leave a suicide note, and put my blood on it.
that would be pretty.

i wish i was more interesting so i could write more stuff, or people would read about it. but no.

i just want to kill myself.

It looks like the Beast's castle

don't hold your breath; i'm not losing sleep over you.

I just learned how to copy and paste on a Mac so expect a lot of pictures.
Also, I am at Romeoville, Illinois.

Child soldiers smoking in Angola.

January 29, 1976.

(Photo by Clive Limpkin.)

people, you are my friends

yesterday, there were lots of people. i found myself getting lost. i didn't know what to do.
people confuse me. i do not like being thrown in a room full of crowded people, unless, well, i had one person to talk to.

Red Red Red - Fiona Apple

I don’t understand about
Diamonds and why men buy them
What’s so impressive about a diamond
Except the mining
And it’s dangerous work
Trying to get to you too
And I think if I didn’t have to
Kill, kill, kill, kill, kill, kill myself doing it
Maybe I might not glisten so much for you

dear god,

are you even there?

how come you never answer me?

do you even listen?

maybe you are just make-believe?

was everything a lie?

have you forgotten about me?

"I want to be someone's first choice."

I am conflicted by this statement.

Should I agree with this or?

In a way, yes. You should never stand for second choice. You are a wonderful person. You deserve to be first.

But on an apathetic note, why should you care? As long as you are your own first choice, no else's matters.

"fine by me"

It's fine by me if you never leave.
It's fine by me it you spend forever here with me.
It's fine by me because I love you.
It's fine by me if you make the worst jokes. I will still laugh at them, because I think you are hilarious. No, that wasn't sarcasm.
It's fine by me if you make mean, sarcastic comments.
Why? Because you're adorable when you make those.
It's fine by me if you shout, asking me to push you higher on the swings.
Because I love hearing you laugh.
It's fine by me when you cry because of the little things, and roll your eyes at the things "normal" people cry about.
It's fine by me when you get carried away with your strange stories. Those are my favorite ones.
It's fine by me when you don't want to hold hands in public. I know you're not big in holding hands.
It's fine by me when you say you love that singer more. He makes you happy, therefore I am happy. And how does one of his songs go again? Oh. When I'm with you, I'm at home. I am. I really am.
It's fine by me when you have your incredible switches in your moods. Those only remind me that I have to be there for you, and you need me as much as I need you.
It's fine by me when you finish all the chocolate, and leave none for me. Because I can taste them in your mouth when I kiss you. Even better.
It's fine by me when you make me clean up our mess alone, because I know you make it up to me in your little ways.
It's fine by me when you leave your sticky notes in my books, bags or on my car. They're the ones that remind me you think about me too.

Everything is fine by me as long as it's with you.

emotion lotion

I honestly don't know why I am getting attached to the characters I RP right now. Especially Madison.
She's just so sweet and shy and smart and athletic.
And she had her first kiss with a boy who likes someone else, but keeps on stating he "loves" Madison.

Yes, I have been attached to my little characters, but this is the first time one of my characters went through this.
She loves the boy, but does he truly love her?
I actually got sad when he kissed the other girl. It's not fair.
~
And on the note, why would you tell someone you love them then go about and kiss another girl?
Is that love?
What is love?
Do you just say someone you love them and that's it?
Do you kiss them?

I think it's stupid you only realize that you love your bestfriend when things have just started with someone you "love".

No one hurts my babies.

I just thought I'd post this. I love this song.

oh

I have not updated this in a long time.
My apologies.
But then again, who am I apologizing to?

So I'm back to roleplaying in the Harry Potter world. And this is my character, Tessa White.

Tessa White l Sixth Year l Gryffindor l FC: Victoria Justice l TAKEN
Tessa is different from everyone else, she see’s things differently and she thinks about things differently. Most people would describe her as psycho or crazy since she spends time muttering to herself. She can be quite the trouble maker, generally going around the castle causing mischief. She has rather abnormal social behavior and she doesn’t know how to filter what she’s saying.  

That's her character description thing in the RP blog. And I must say, I sort of like playing her. She comes from a dark place in my heart. She's quite different from the usual ones I play. I usually play a Victoria Justice FC, of course, but she's always happy and nice. It's different. She feels alone and so unloved, but she can be friendly and nice too. The other characters just don't know what to expect from her, and I love it.


But I'm probably just going to drop-out of this RP because I don't even think the players are pure Potterheads.

Other news: I HAVE MY OWN RP.

Well, I co-own it but I'm usually the one who manages it because I have nothing to do.

My character, Melanie, is a depressed schizo and she has 2 siblings. The older sibling, Meldrick (Darren Criss FC), is, like, the perfect student. And her sister, Melody, is the HBIC. 

But she's secretly in love with her best friend (Logan Lerman) and has a tiny attraction to the bad boy (Alex Pettyfer).

Things are sort of going well, but I do terribly wish that the players were on more.

kendra the spoiled bitch. she’s actually really nice but she just loves spending. 24

drew walks away all the time but walks in when everyone walks out on you. he looks like bieber lol but he’s more handsome. bad/mysterious guy at the age of 16 and he likes to smoke. he looks sort of hipster. just sort of, he hates it when i say he does.

ebenezer is meanest person you will ever meet, british. and he’s the richest man i know. for some reason, no one knows how old he really is.

bella is the playful rehead. she’s 12 and she really loves to play and wow.

sonia takes care of me. she’s mexican and she lost her daughter to a fire. i’m guessing she’s 40.

nick is a very talkative and opinionated person. i think he’s bi. 17. i like to cuddle with him. hippies united

brett is 19 and he’s very responsible and mature. he’s the one who always bails anyone out of jail. hippies united

luce likes to throw things at people. and she’s quite judgmental. uhm she’s 17 and a half. hippies united

grey is really full of surprises. he never really listens idk he reminds me of a chipmunk when he moves. 16. hippies united

fabulous ryan the daredevil! this guy will literally do any dare. srsly. 18. hippies united.

i salute carlos santiago! he’s a dictator of this unknown country in south america. he’s quite short-tempered but we’re cool. i’m guessing he’s 50+ idk

uriel the angel… from hell.

i also have visits from lucky the demon.

I feel Russian.






I am Russian.

I just copied and pasted this from my tumblr.

Based from how I act with people, I’m probably the last person they would think to have a deep fascination with history.

I mean, I just fucking love it so much. I actually don’t care if I fail my other subjects as long as I get to read about dead things and old people everyday.

No one really asked me why I love it, or how my fascination started. No one knew, no one cared.

Well, I probably took after my dad. We both love war and shooting and guns. So I’d watch those war films with him. And I guess it just started from that. But before I got into history, I loved astrology. All those planets and stars up there sort of make you feel small and like your problems are so small, they aren’t even there. And with the question of the unknown. Anything is possible. We’re simply small humans; we know nothing. We are merely a speck in this huge mystery filled with heavenly bodes, and possibly more life forms.

But anyway, where was I again?

Oh yeah. Why do I love history?

When Drew asks me that question, I sort of scratch my head and mumble incoherently. 

Drew intimidates me.

But actually, Nick got to ask me that question once and I answered something like, “What’s not to love about it? God. Just looking and reading about these people gives you a glimpse back to the past. The better past. It’s like being in a new place and time. Like when you read books, Nick. Do you even read books, loser?”

I guess that’s it.

Oh, and I love reading how messed up people back then were. Actually, the times have changed but the people’s minds haven’t.

There’s still cannibalism, and discrimination.

This blog discourages the latter, but promotes cannibalism .39%.

I just have a feeling if they meet and if given the right amount of time, they'd click. They look cute together and I just love to see manips of them. 

He'd be really protective of her, I know that. And even though, he's the one who usually jokes around, she'd joke around too. And he'd feel this urge to protect. 

Sweet lawd. Crying over a couple that might never exist. Welcome to my Friday night.

I don't know, but I got a little attracted to him when I saw this.

Alex's band. 

               

                 This day started at night. Well, actually at 5 in the afternoon. Alex's band, Jungle Gym, played at a park, and there was supposed to be this party. I didn't want to go, but Nick dragged me! Really! He did! So yeah, here are some people I don't even know. Nick and I fell asleep there, and then we went with Alex's band to the forest and this is a picture of us approaching the woods.

 

Nick and I went for a walk, but look at this pretty picture I took of our campsite.

This blog is basically proof that my life is sad.

~went through some of the pictures I saved and hoped I could tell you all some story~

Eyes.

Finally got to see my baby after a week. I arrived at 2:00 PM and took a picture of him from afar. He looks sad. Yeah, he's just lost in thought. He didn't even realize I was sitting beside him until I gave him a peck on the cheek. And we hugged, and kissed. And talked. It was wonderful.

I got to take a picture of "emo Pat" as I call it.

They actually played a show and I took this with my phone. The band was brilliant. As always.

After their show, we had a barbecue.

Next morning, I went to the grocery with Pat. Ha-ha! I love you, darling!

Went back to the hotel and sneaked a picture. It was nice to see him laugh. Gosh.

We all went hiking for a little on the last day. Just had fun with the guys, and we played hide-and-seek. 

Dinner before I went. 

I almost cried when I got in the car that was taking me to the airport. John gave me one last kiss, and we said good-bye. 

It was a wonderful 2-day-vacay. 

Can't wait to see them, and him.