everybody wants happiness

nobody wants pain

but you can’t have a rainbow

without a little rain.

fast forward to 2 years. are you still there? still there? pathetic. 5 years now. everything’sgetting better? good for you! that was not sarcasm. i assure you. now to 7 years. happy?yes? brilliant. i see you smiling now. it’s been 10 years. hey. tears?! tears of joy! you‘re very happy now. drive your own car, work in an amazing place, travel a lot, finally met someone special. happy. very happy.

but no, i won’t even make it to next year. 

they say, “the happiest people are the saddest.” i‘m not happy. i‘m just really really sad, but if you met me in real life or saw me with friends, i‘d be the one cracking jokes, shouting, or doing weird things. anything to see a smile on their face. anything.  i always questioned myself why i did so, why i chose to make a fool of myself when something inside me is killing me, each forced laugh was just another stab. another emotional stab that felt so real. another stab that brought me down to the ground. another stab. more stabs. one more stab. two more. three is not enough. make it four. no, make it a hundred. 

i just wonder: does someone know? does that person keep tabs on my life? hey! are you reading this? is it fun? is it fun to watch me fall apart day after day? do you like seeing me cry at the end of the day? do you like seeing me bleed? 

i do. i sure do.